Overprotective parents are often referred to as helicopter parents. While they have their child’s best interest and safety in mind, they might be overbearing at times. A Baylor College of Medicine child and adolescent psychiatrist explains the motive behind helicopter parents and emphasizes the importance of sympathizing with them.
“A helicopter parent is often fueled by anxiety, and that anxiety can come in different flavors: anxiety for their child to be safe, successful or not to be emotionally harmed, as well as anxiety to keep up with the Joneses or what their family or culture expects,” said Dr. Laurel Williams, professor in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Baylor.
A helicopter parent is one who does not allow for their child to do things that most would consider to be developmentally appropriate on their own with less direct intervention by the parent. Demonstrating sympathy and empathy as well as understanding these parents is crucial as they typically act this way out of a desire to be helpful. Williams does not recommend telling these parents that their behavior is harmful but suggests asking questions about why they act this way.
“Don’t tell someone they’re a helicopter parent, but instead, approach them in a way to not make them feel judged,” she said. “Support them first and see if they’re willing to concede: ‘I notice you often step in when there’s a disagreement on the soccer field, can you help me understand why?’ They might have a good reason, or they might be willing to listen to why their behavior shouldn’t continue.”
Helicopter parents try to make the pathway easier for the child, but if they insert themselves into their child’s issues too often, the child might not learn how to handle failure and disappointment. Parents need to model how their kids should handle these feelings, such as not making a sports team or getting a bad grade on a test.
“Be helpful in planning on how this doesn’t happen again, but if you don’t let them handle it on their own, you can delay their development,” Williams said.
While it might be difficult to let your child do tasks alone without adult supervision, it is important to identify the right time for them to do these tasks independently, like walking to school or going to the mall. If your child demonstrates that they can be responsible and follow multi-step commands over time without losing track, they might be prepared for more independence. If they cannot fulfill these duties on their own, it might not be time yet for more independence. Williams recommends doing dry runs: ask your child to remember tasks at certain times while still under your oversight so you can intervene if necessary.
“If this goes well, do further dry runs where you do the activity with them but don’t tell them what to do and simply walk alongside them,” she said.
Williams also suggests asking your child about things that worry you so you can gauge comfort with their responses. Let your child show you that they can manage tasks independently.
Some older teenage children might argue that their parents are overbearing compared to peers’ parents. If a child raises these concerns, listen and explain why rules were created. This provides an opportunity for assessing whether the child can handle mature conversations. Instead of immediately granting new privileges based on demands from children, ask them for reasons why changes should occur; this teaches negotiation skills and helps understand risks and benefits.
“It doesn’t have to be an emotional decision where you give in right away," Williams noted. "Make sure conversations happen at appropriate times so both parties can discuss calmly—this teaches patience and delayed gratification.”
Listen attentively during family meetings before making any rule changes.
